Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
