you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize