Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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