No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
