Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
