I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
