i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize