yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
