she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
