he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
