k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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