Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
