this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
