he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize