Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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