only if we run a train.
done.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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