Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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