he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
zippers are such a cool invention
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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