Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
