Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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