This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
