She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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