we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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