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I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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