Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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