Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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