i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
