that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
