i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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