fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Duck Duck Cougar?
4 words: hood of his car
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
