You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize