I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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