today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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