my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
