My first STD was from a foam party
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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