Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
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