Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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