Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
