I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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