i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He passed out mid-signature
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
