yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
