No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
