Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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