she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
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