I just threw up on my dentist
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
