You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
