I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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