I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
