how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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