I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize