I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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