He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
