I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
