How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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