Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
