he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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